Shattered...

Replies;

jasmine: ya, i'm quite fustrated these few days. a lot of things are just happening in a split second. really got no time to catch my breath. and one more thing. when did i say that i'm giving up? i never give up so easily. lastly, thanks for the encouragement. :)

the mad one: i am doing the best i can to relax already ben. it's just that it's too much information to process at one go. i'm taking things to my pace now. don't worry. i haven't lost control of my emotions yet. making people uncomfortable... hmm, i think it's the other way round. some people just keep giving me problems. haha...


by the time you read this, i think i'm probably be either crying my heart out or searching for something of sentimental value. really can't stand so much agony. this is the very first time i felt like this. i really can't believe life is so fragile...

well, all i want to say in this post to everyone is to treasure your loved ones when they are alive and don't regret it when they are no longer with you. this is what happened to me... really regret it now.

how should i express myself now? maybe this poem i read might express my feelings apprpriately:


I want to speak but my voice was stolen;
I want to cry but my tears have gone dry.
Thus, i write.

- extracted from a card named ' silent poet' from the TCG 'magic: the gathering'

some said that when you share a burden with someone, the burden is halved. so, i guess i'll just write about what this issue is about then.

of course, it's a death of a loved one in my family. my maternal grandmother just passed away yesterday. i really couldn't accept the news. it's been like eons since i went back to Ipoh, Malaysia to visit her. it's also very foolish of me. too foolish i say. why did i never even make a call to them? check on how everyone is doing in Malaysia is doing? now i really regret it. but it's too late... just too late.

just 2 weeks ago, my mother received a call from Malaysia about my sick grandmother being admitted to hospital. my mother rushed back to Malaysia nad visited her. then she stayed there until only just this wednesday when she returned home.

then on thursday, my aunt in singapore informed me on another piece of bad news. this time, my grandfather was admitted to the hospital. i really got extremely worried. i made a call to malaysia to check on the situation. the person who picked it up was my niece in malaysia. then she passed the phone to my grandmother. of course, i know how devastated things are. just after she was discharged from the hospital, her lifelong partner(my grandfather) is admitted into it. of course she is sad! and how the heck am i supposed to comfort her when i don't even have a clue about the situation?! FOOLISH!! all i could do is tell her to take care of herself. just about 2 minutes of talking, i hung up the phone.

then the worst happened. this morning, my mom called about my grandmother's death yesterday. i went completely dumbfounded. it's just like, 2 days ago, i still talked to her and then she left me just like that. i really can't take this kind of torment. it really hurts.

all i really want to do now is to see my grandmother one last time. but i have to stay at home and look after the house. my dad will be going over to the funeral. i will really miss my grandmother.

still, thanks, my cell members from N196 and Desmond. really appreciate your care and concern. don't worry too much for me. i promise i will be fine after a while. i still haven't give up yet.


" por por, xie xie ne..." (translated: "grandma, thank you.")